Қыз айттыру

What this rite is about

Qyz aittyru literally means “to speak out about a girl”. It is the first, still informal matchmaking: the young man’s family lets it be known that they have their eye on a bride and carefully finds out whether her relatives are ready to discuss a union. Nothing is decided yet and nobody has promised anything — both sides are simply testing the ground. That is why the rite is quiet, with no large delegation and no showy gifts.

Its place in the wedding cycle is this: first qyz koru (a look at the girl), then qyz aittyru, followed by kuda tusu, bata ayak and syrga salu, the preparation of the dowry (zhasau), qyz uzatu, kelin tusiru and betashar. The order of bata ayak and syrga salu differs between families, and some descriptions treat them as a single rite. Some sources do not separate qyz aittyru from kuda tusu at all and call the whole cycle “kudalyk”.

How a bride was chosen

Three main criteria were used. The first was clan: one could only marry outside the seven generations (see the next chapter). The second was the girl’s family: a daughter was believed to inherit her mother’s character and upbringing, hence the saying “anasyn korip kyzyn al” — when choosing the daughter, look at the mother. The third was equality: “ten-tenimen”, equal with equal, so that the two families would be close in means and standing.

Young people saw each other at gatherings, evening parties and aitys contests, and a young man could openly come to look at the girls — people said: “one looks at girls the way one drinks kumys”. But the deciding word stayed with the elders: the girl was informed rather than asked, and only over time did the bride’s own consent become a required condition.

The seven-generation rule — zheti ata

Zheti ata is the ban on marrying anyone with whom you share an ancestor within seven generations along the father’s line. Generations are counted through the male line, not in the way “degrees of kinship” are counted in the European tradition. The norm is older than written law; it was fixed in the “Zheti Zhargy”, the code of customary law of Khan Tauke (turn of the 17th–18th centuries). Relatives on the mother’s side (nagashy) are not included in the seven generations, though marriages with them were also avoided in the nearest generations.

That is why every boy had to know his ancestors to the seventh generation and be able to name them: “Zheti atasyn bilmegen — zhetesiz” (“He who does not know his seven ancestors is without sense”). The genealogy (shezhire) was thus not a luxury but a practical safeguard against unwitting marriage between relatives — and the living memory of the clan.

The zhaushy — the envoy

The conversation is begun not by the groom or his father but by the zhaushy, a trusted envoy. He is a person who knows the customs, is eloquent and quick-witted and, as a rule, is respected by both sides; he should not be a close relative of either. Much depended on his skill: one clumsy word could close the road to a union before negotiations had even begun.

Raising the matter directly was considered improper, so the zhaushy spoke from afar, in allusions. The hosts received him at the dastarkhan but did not answer at once: “we will consult our relatives and think” was ordinary politeness, not a refusal. If consent was obtained, the envoy was given a shapan and sent back with the good news — and a date for kuda tusu was set.

A pact long before the wedding

Kazakhs knew how to agree on the marriage of children when they were still babies or not even born. Such alliances were made by close friends or relatives in order to “bind” the families for good. A word given in such an agreement was considered binding.

• Bel kuda — an agreement made before the children are born (“bel” means “waist, loins”: the children will be “of the loins” of two families).
• Besik kuda — an agreement made while the child is still lying in the cradle (besik).
• Atastyru — the general name for arranging a marriage in advance.
• Karsy kuda — mutual exchange: the family that took a bride later gives its own daughter to the bride’s family.
• Suyek zhangyrtu (“renewing the bone”) — a repeat marriage between the same clans generations later, so that the “bone” of kinship is not broken.

What has changed

In 1920 the authorities of the Kazakh (then Kyrgyz) ASSR banned the bride price and declared transactions over it invalid. Qyz aittyru, which involves no payments, survived as a private custom. Today young people more often meet on their own, and parents join later — visiting or calling once the decision has been made. The role of the zhaushy often boils down to a first call or message, and the couple’s own consent has become the main condition from which everything begins.

Interesting facts

Glossary

Қыз көру

Qyz koru: the young man’s family getting to know the girl before matchmaking.

Жаушы

A trusted envoy who opens the conversation about matchmaking.

Жеті ата

Seven generations of ancestors on the father’s side; marriages within them are forbidden.

Шежіре

The genealogy of a clan, passed from generation to generation.

Құда

In-law: the parents and senior relatives of two families in relation to each other; a lifelong alliance status.

Құдағи

The older women of two families in relation to each other.

Жекжат

Relatives on the female side and in-laws; together with “kuda” it denotes the whole network of kinship.

Нағашы

Relatives on the mother’s side.

Бесік құда

An agreement on the children’s marriage made while the child is still in the cradle.

Қарсы құда

A return marriage: the family gives a daughter to where it took a bride from.